Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Reality check time

This is going to be a rough blog to write so bear with me. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. I don't really know what is wrong... just that I feel so overwhelmed and so emotional. So unhappy, moody, I could really go on and on. It could just be that my husband has been gone for what seems like an eternity (10 days) or that my body seems to HATE me. Either way my head is a mess. I have been planning to compete on June 18th for a while now. I have been dieting (mostly) and training and working really hard but I keep questioning myself. I am getting so overwhelmed with the "post" comp issues that ALWAYS present themselves no matter how badly you try not to let them. It just happens. My main reason for competing initially was to give myself a goal, a push to lose the weight that I feel I unfairly gained because of competing in figure. LOL. Right. So I planned to work my A$$ off to get on stage, look amazing... and then what? Gain it back the second I look at a carb? See where I am going with this? My head is a MESS.

This is probably where I should start seeing a therapist. You all will have to do.

When I decided to start competing a couple of years ago I was TINY. I had to work really really hard to put on that weight for Figure. Now I can't seem to get rid of it. Now hear me out, I know that I am not by any means overweight. I know that in a lot of eyes I look fine. But in MY eyes... I don't feel like I look fine. I don't feel like I even look good. Most days I feel "beefy". That is the word I use to describe myself these days. Beefy. I want to feel good again. I want to wear my jeans not have my jeans wear me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I don't want myself reverting back to old habits. Scary habits.

This is where it gets rough. I think that it would not be in my best interest to compete so soon. I am so scared of the "after" that I can't really get into the "before". Does that make sense? So my new game plan is this. I want to be a normal person, who CHOOSES to eat healthy because it makes me FEEL good not because I HAVE to. I want to enjoy eating with my family again, I don't want to have that "stress" whenever there is a family function and I know I will be surrounded by food I CAN'T eat. I want to focus on my workouts, losing the weight that I feel I need to lose and after all of that is said and done if I decide to compete I will. But right now, TODAY... I don't know if that is an option for me. It kills me to say that, but I need a reality check. Anyway, my husband will be back soon, my head may or may not go back to normal. I may or may not change my mind about competing in (gasp) 5 and 1/2 weeks but either way this is where I am at today.


  1. I can see how the whole competition thing would be a vicious cycle! Hope you figure out what is best for you and your happiness.. sounds like you will get there!

  2. Shows will always be around if you decide you want to go back to competing. Right now it sounds like the best thing for you to do is concentrate on YOU and what makes you feel happy, complete, confident, etc.


  3. agree with T here!!!!
    i do understand where you are coming from.every single word!!!
    i ended up taking a year off competeing to get my mind right,to help me find that balance in life and to understand that there is a differeance between "show shape" and "in shape".....
    i had to come to those terms,realizing i couldnt stay in show shape 24/7,but i COULD stay "in shape" (my version) year round....i just had to learn to ease back into nutrition after a show and not go crazy with carbs!
    anyways,like T said,shows will always be around....just focus on YOU right now and finding your happy place,mentally and physically!
    hang in there chcia! you can do this!!!!

  4. I completely agree too! I know exactly what you mean. I've only competed twice but I had the same food issues. This last time it took me a month before my head was on straight and I still have problems controlling myself. You're not a mess. Well, if you are, then so am I! You don't HAVE to compete, I think it's better to figure yourself out and be healthy and then do a show when you are ready.

  5. Ladies... THANK YOU. You have no idea how GREAT it is to have this blog, and people like you who can RELATE and say just the right things. I am just disappointed thats all. I LOVE competing. I just can't get my head right, right now. I will be back on that stage. I WILL. Someday. :) Thanks for letting me "vent" and for offering your words of support and kindness! I really needed that!

  6. Girl, I SO wish we lived near each other to meet up for coffee (or wine!) Gah, I could use a friend like you who understands just this! It's been 6 months since my competition and I ended up royally screwed mentally. I said- no, VOWED- I wouldn't end up like this, yet I did:( I've had SUCH a hard time maintaining a healthy balance with my diet and workouts since my competition and my motivation is so fleeting. That alone is SO HARD to grasp because I was uber motivated and SO EXCITED during my entire prep and I feel something missing in my life. That spark and PASSION:( I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me but, like you, I feel moody and depressed more than usual and feel so...large. I know I'm not fat, but I have my curves back (which hubby loves), but I don't. I'd rather be tiny like I was. I've started telling people that I want to compete again this Fall and already I'm second guessing if that is what is best for me at this time. I just pray about it and talk to Hubby and have to make a decision if I'm willing to diet down again or if I need to just work on maintaining balance and a healthy lifestyle. Anyway, just want you to know I'm right here with you! HUGS:)