Reality check time

This is going to be a rough blog to write so bear with me. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. I don't really know what is wrong... just that I feel so overwhelmed and so emotional. So unhappy, moody, I could really go on and on. It could just be that my husband has been gone for what seems like an eternity (10 days) or that my body seems to HATE me. Either way my head is a mess. I have been planning to compete on June 18th for a while now. I have been dieting (mostly) and training and working really hard but I keep questioning myself. I am getting so overwhelmed with the "post" comp issues that ALWAYS present themselves no matter how badly you try not to let them. It just happens. My main reason for competing initially was to give myself a goal, a push to lose the weight that I feel I unfairly gained because of competing in figure. LOL. Right. So I planned to work my A$$ off to get on stage, look amazing... and then what? Gain it back the second I look at a carb? See where I am going with this? My head is a MESS.

This is probably where I should start seeing a therapist. You all will have to do.

When I decided to start competing a couple of years ago I was TINY. I had to work really really hard to put on that weight for Figure. Now I can't seem to get rid of it. Now hear me out, I know that I am not by any means overweight. I know that in a lot of eyes I look fine. But in MY eyes... I don't feel like I look fine. I don't feel like I even look good. Most days I feel "beefy". That is the word I use to describe myself these days. Beefy. I want to feel good again. I want to wear my jeans not have my jeans wear me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I don't want myself reverting back to old habits. Scary habits.

This is where it gets rough. I think that it would not be in my best interest to compete so soon. I am so scared of the "after" that I can't really get into the "before". Does that make sense? So my new game plan is this. I want to be a normal person, who CHOOSES to eat healthy because it makes me FEEL good not because I HAVE to. I want to enjoy eating with my family again, I don't want to have that "stress" whenever there is a family function and I know I will be surrounded by food I CAN'T eat. I want to focus on my workouts, losing the weight that I feel I need to lose and after all of that is said and done if I decide to compete I will. But right now, TODAY... I don't know if that is an option for me. It kills me to say that, but I need a reality check. Anyway, my husband will be back soon, my head may or may not go back to normal. I may or may not change my mind about competing in (gasp) 5 and 1/2 weeks but either way this is where I am at today.