This is probably where I should start seeing a therapist. You all will have to do.
When I decided to start competing a couple of years ago I was TINY. I had to work really really hard to put on that weight for Figure. Now I can't seem to get rid of it. Now hear me out, I know that I am not by any means overweight. I know that in a lot of eyes I look fine. But in MY eyes... I don't feel like I look fine. I don't feel like I even look good. Most days I feel "beefy". That is the word I use to describe myself these days. Beefy. I want to feel good again. I want to wear my jeans not have my jeans wear me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I don't want myself reverting back to old habits. Scary habits.
This is where it gets rough. I think that it would not be in my best interest to compete so soon. I am so scared of the "after" that I can't really get into the "before". Does that make sense? So my new game plan is this. I want to be a normal person, who CHOOSES to eat healthy because it makes me FEEL good not because I HAVE to. I want to enjoy eating with my family again, I don't want to have that "stress" whenever there is a family function and I know I will be surrounded by food I CAN'T eat. I want to focus on my workouts, losing the weight that I feel I need to lose and after all of that is said and done if I decide to compete I will. But right now, TODAY... I don't know if that is an option for me. It kills me to say that, but I need a reality check. Anyway, my husband will be back soon, my head may or may not go back to normal. I may or may not change my mind about competing in (gasp) 5 and 1/2 weeks but either way this is where I am at today.