Nah.... but close!
I wish there was a better way to put it, something that didn't sound so AWFUL. But it is awful. I have done 7 shows over the span of 16 months. Crazy right? RIGHT! I have met some amazing women at each show, at the gym, everywhere who compete, have competed or PLAN to compete. There is no getting around it, we all feel the same after a show. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. You work SOOOOOO hard for 12 weeks (or longer) to get your body stage ready, and it is literally GONE the second you leave the stage and guzzle some water. Okay so maybe not gone, just covered up. My body is retaining everything. Nothing fits anymore, all that work seems like it was for NOTHING. (by the way, this is my depressed self talking... give me a few and I will get real). I feel like I just gave birth and have my post baby body... only instead of having that sweet smelling little bundle of joy to make up for it.... all I have is a bunch of carbs sitting on top of my muscles. UGH!
Realistically... I know that body is still UNDER there somewhere. I just need to start watching what I eat a little closer and keep up on my cardio at the gym... but mentally I am a MESS!
I have given Figure over a year of my life. I started this journey at 110 pounds soaking wet and a long way to go. I put on A LOT of weight that I didn't really feel comfortable with just for Figure. I LOVE this sport, I love the dedication it takes, the determination, the goals, the transformation, the feeling you get when you are on that stage knowing you DID IT... the only thing I don't love is the fact that if I ever want to take this sport any further I am going to have to get bigger (more muscle) which means more weight, which means an even bigger off season... I don't think I can handle that. I am going to take a break from Figure. I may still compete, just in a different category which won't require me to pack on the muscle.
You want real... I will give you real....
I have struggled in the past with an eating disorder. I have been as low as 103 lbs at 5'4". It would literally cause me pain to sit because all that I had "there" was bone. I have had to work really hard to get my head right over the last few years. To put that part of my life in the past. I am still recovering, I don't know if anyone who has ever suffered from any type of disorder every really can do more than just work at it. What I do know is that I am healthier now than I have ever been (EVEN THOUGH most days I feel disgustingly huge). I have a lot to live for. I can work really hard to get to my ideal weight the HEALTHY way and I can be an example to my children. I refuse to own a scale of ANY kind... not for my food, and especially not for my body. I know that if there is one in my house I will weigh myself every chance I get and panic over what I see... that will bring back all of my issues I had before. I am really trying to work at it the right way. That is me being really real. I don't share that part of my past with a lot of people because it is embarrassing to me. I am definitely a different person now. A stronger person. A person who is carrying a "carb" baby... ha ha ha!