Monday, August 23, 2010


Nah.... but close!

Post-show depression~

I wish there was a better way to put it, something that didn't sound so AWFUL. But it is awful. I have done 7 shows over the span of 16 months. Crazy right? RIGHT! I have met some amazing women at each show, at the gym, everywhere who compete, have competed or PLAN to compete. There is no getting around it, we all feel the same after a show. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. You work SOOOOOO hard for 12 weeks (or longer) to get your body stage ready, and it is literally GONE the second you leave the stage and guzzle some water. Okay so maybe not gone, just covered up. My body is retaining everything. Nothing fits anymore, all that work seems like it was for NOTHING. (by the way, this is my depressed self talking... give me a few and I will get real). I feel like I just gave birth and have my post baby body... only instead of having that sweet smelling little bundle of joy to make up for it.... all I have is a bunch of carbs sitting on top of my muscles. UGH!

Realistically... I know that body is still UNDER there somewhere. I just need to start watching what I eat a little closer and keep up on my cardio at the gym... but mentally I am a MESS!

Getting real...
I have given Figure over a year of my life. I started this journey at 110 pounds soaking wet and a long way to go. I put on A LOT of weight that I didn't really feel comfortable with just for Figure. I LOVE this sport, I love the dedication it takes, the determination, the goals, the transformation, the feeling you get when you are on that stage knowing you DID IT... the only thing I don't love is the fact that if I ever want to take this sport any further I am going to have to get bigger (more muscle) which means more weight, which means an even bigger off season... I don't think I can handle that. I am going to take a break from Figure. I may still compete, just in a different category which won't require me to pack on the muscle.

You want real... I will give you real....
I have struggled in the past with an eating disorder. I have been as low as 103 lbs at 5'4". It would literally cause me pain to sit because all that I had "there" was bone. I have had to work really hard to get my head right over the last few years. To put that part of my life in the past. I am still recovering, I don't know if anyone who has ever suffered from any type of disorder every really can do more than just work at it. What I do know is that I am healthier now than I have ever been (EVEN THOUGH most days I feel disgustingly huge). I have a lot to live for. I can work really hard to get to my ideal weight the HEALTHY way and I can be an example to my children. I refuse to own a scale of ANY kind... not for my food, and especially not for my body. I know that if there is one in my house I will weigh myself every chance I get and panic over what I see... that will bring back all of my issues I had before. I am really trying to work at it the right way. That is me being really real. I don't share that part of my past with a lot of people because it is embarrassing to me. I am definitely a different person now. A stronger person. A person who is carrying a "carb" baby... ha ha ha!


  1. Wow, what an honest and "raw" post. I knew you had competed in several shows, but I did not know you've competed in SEVEN shows in just over a year! Holy cow! That is incredible! I can certainly understand your anxious feeling after it is all said and done and you return to your "regularly scheduled programming"...

    It seems you and I are coming from opposite ends of the "weight spectrum" when it comes to training. It looks like you've focused on building muscle and adding mass on your tiny frame and my main focus is dropping bodyfat since I've already got a petite, muscular build genetically. I gained nearly 20 lbs our first year of marriage because apparently I forgot we weren't on honeymoon and I couldn't feast and continue celebrating with food/drink like I did in Aruba HA!
    While I can't say I identify 100% with your post-show depression (because I haven't competed in mine yet!), I know what it is like to work SO HARD for SO LONG and then when it is over you don't quite know how to react.

    When I was in grad school getting my M.B.A, (which I ONLY got because my company paid for it and it was free) I hated the program and could not WAIT to graduate. But, I remember on graduation day being SO emotional and after the ceremony and dinner with family and friends, I cried all the way home because that chapter was closed. ALL that work and the time I sacrificed to study and get an advanced degree (which, sadly, I never thought I could do in the first place) was over and I felt I didn't have something in its place to strive for. I immediately wanted to start setting goals for something even greater, just to start working towards something else.

    I THRIVE off having goals and things to work toward and I am already a bit scared that I'll feel the same way once competition is over. It seems a lot of girls feel this way. I am scared that after the competition I'll gain 5-10 lbs off season and will constantly compare myself to what my body looked like on-stage and be thrown all "out of whack" when it comes to body image. I'm trying REALLY hard through this journey to prepare myself for post- comp and then focus on remaining healthy and not obsessing about muscle definition and such.

    You are beautiful! You are accomplished! You are strong! And, you have the potential to do anything you set your mind to! This Figure door may have closed for the time being, but you have other "doors" you can open. I think you mentioned possibly trying Bikini, and girl, all I will say is, you'd be a knock out!!! :)

  2. I agree with everything Talia said! You are doing great and am such an inspiration. I've been 103 pounds at 5'3 as well, and I was so unhappy. I weigh more now and couldn't be happier!

  3. just stumbled across your blog and so much of this "raw" post i can relate too!!!! oh and also i agree with what april and Talia said as well!
    just hang in there chica!
    im a wife and mom and compete as well,so i know its hard at times!
    keep up your hard work super mamma,and dont let the post show blues get the best of you!!!

  4. This is probably one of the most real, honest, and raw blogs I've read. Thank you for being so honest and open; it's refreshing to read something so honest in a world filled with fake people who pretend to be perfect all the time.

    I can totally identify with your feelings. Post-contest depression is real, and tough to deal with. Is this your 1st off-season?

    Even though I've been competing for 5 years, and I know what to expect after a show, I still get that feeling of being lost, without direction. The best thing to do is to get back in the gym and continue regular (maybe lower-intensity) workouts. And I hate to say it, but following a clean diet will help too. By no means do you need to be as strict as your contest diet, but eating clean foods with a couple scheduled treat meals a week will do wonders for you not only physically, but also emotionally.

    I'm in the same boat as you regarding the need to put on more size in order to stay competitive in Figure. I really struggled with that decision this summer, and finally decided not to try to get bigger, even though it may mean lower placings, esp at the National level. Best of luck with your decision; it's not an easy one to make.

    I applaud you for not having a scale in your house. Focus more on how you FEEL rather than an arbitrary number on the scale.

    You're an inspiration ... thank you for being so open.