Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Ghosts of Competing past....

Today was just what I needed.  I started it off with Janetha at GPPFitness for a pretty awesome, sweaty workout... afterwards I FINALLY got to sit down and talk with the owner Neil.  He is a smart guy.  Really knows his stuff.  I have been anxious to sit down with him for a while, and here is why.

I first started competing in March of 2009.  I was TERRIFIED, and when I met my trainer and was told I would have to put on some weight I was even more terrified.  But, I did it.  I placed 5th in my very first show.

 March 2009 NPC debut 5th place

Competing was WAY out of my comfort zone... to get on a stage in a teeny bikini is not something I ever thought I would be able to do.  I don't even like getting in one for water parks or the beach, but to be acknowledged for my hard work made it quite a high for me.  I was hooked.  I did another show that year in June, barely missed placing (got 6th) and I just kept going doing a show almost every few months.  

June 2009 NPC 6th place

August 2009 NPC 5th place

October 2009 NPC 2nd place

On my one year anniversary I FINALLY got what I had been longing for.  My 1st place and overall win!

March 2010 NPC 1st place, overall champion

 My overall sword!

1st place girls in each height division

July 2010, NPC 3rd place, with my trainer Masae

I went on to compete in a National Competition in Las Vegas.  Boy was I out of my league.  First of all you have to qualify just to be there by placing top 2 in a qualifying show.  That means you are up against the best of the best and holy heck they were amazing.  It wasn't even close.  Ha ha!  These ladies were incredible and it was an honor to be on stage with all 50 something of them!

July 2010 (USA's) in Las Vegas 40 something place

We moved to Utah, and after my experience in Figure I decided that it was time I either commit to putting on more size or switch to Bikini.  Putting on more size wasn't even an option for me.  The thought of it made me want to cry so I decided to focus on Bikini.  I did the NGA show in Utah.

September 2011, NGA 3rd place

Two weeks later I went back to the NPC...

October 2011, NPC 2nd place

 I continued competing only to find that the more shows I did, the harder it got to get the results I wanted/needed.  Though I did well at each show, placing top 5 in all but 2, my body seemed to stop doing what I needed it to and I had to get a little more drastic with my diet/cardio each show.  I did a total of 9 shows in 3 years (taking one year off completely).  I get really emotional when I talk or even think about this topic.  I feel like I am stuck in this awful place.  A place that I know MANY competitors end up in.  I absolutely LOVE competing.  I love everything about it.  I love the dedication, the goal, the push, the achievement, I even have grown to love the smell of Pro tan.  I get butterflies just from smelling it.  I love it, but I am more than willing to walk away from it all if that is what it takes to get back to "normal", to be healthy in my mind and body.

I am at this point where it honestly doesn't matter what I do or how I eat my body will not let go of anything.  I am really having a hard time losing any weight, my body seems to be holding on to it all and I am tired of working my butt off not to be working my butt off.  It is the most frustrating thing in the world.  There are times I just want to give up, and there are times I get a glimmer of hope.  Today was one of those times.  Neil gave me hope!  I am anxious to get started and see if I can fix the damage that I have done and eventually.. get back on stage without all the drastic measures.  For now, I just need to get things working the way they are supposed to again.  I leave you with some videos my husband and sister recorded when I won my first place and overall win.  It still brings tears to my eyes.

This is my "model walk"

Here is a video when I won first in my class

Here are all the 1st place girls, being compared for the overall win! Best day ever.

I hope I can experience that feeling again someday!


  1. Ahhh! This was an awesome post! Thanks for going into so much detail about your history with shows and how they have made you feel. I know it's not an easy thing to put out there for all to read. I am behind you all the way and know you can get your body where you want it to be without going mentally insane to get there. Love you!!!!

    1. Thanks so much! It was a really hard post to write. I may have cried a bit. The reality of it kills me but it will all be good. Your support means a lot, and if I get too crazy grumpy at work don't let them fire me ;)

  2. This post was really interesting! I've only been following your blog for less than a year, so it's really interesting to read your back story. You look phenomenal in all the pics!!

    I think there is a fine line between following a low calorie competition diet, and permanently damaging your metabolism. Unfortunately, the majority of coaches out there seem to ruin women's metabolisms. I actually stopped my last cut with my coach because I thought it was going to cause damage in the long run. I'm trying to experiment by giving myself a higher calorie intake, and see how much I can get my body to change. So far, so good!

  3. Competing is a fun/strange/frustrating beast!! I hope that you do whatever your heart truly desires, whether that's competing again or not.

    I'm sending love & support your way!


  4. Loved this post. You are amazing!

  5. I know what you mean. I am in the midst of fixing my metabolism and not pushing my body any farther because it just won't go. So I have decided to be really nice to it, love ME no matter what size pant I wear, strive for health, and find other ways to experience that feeling. You are awesome and it will come around again. I promise!

  6. My heart goes out to you and your in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Your such a sweet person and I hate to see u go through this. I've damaged my body from crazy diets and now I'm losing my hair, my thyroids funked, and my hormones are out of whack. You answered my message on facebook. I'm Amy. I just want you to know if u ever need to talk I'm here I totally understand how u feel. I plan on starting a blog myself about my health and fitness journey in hopes to help others.

  7. My first bikini competition is Saturday. I've always been a runner and a little "thicker," but I decided to make this a goal of mine before we start a family. I want to be in the BEST shape of my life before we get prggo, and as of right now, I am there.

    I wanted to tell you THANK YOU for sharing this!!

    You are absolutely beyond gorgeous.

    I would also love for you to e-mail me so I can share something with you. I'm not sure if you've heard of's a complete nutrition/wellness company, and it's helped me achieve my goals for this competition very safely and naturally.

    Thank you again for your openness, honesty, and inspiration.