The Ghosts of Competing past....

Today was just what I needed.  I started it off with Janetha at GPPFitness for a pretty awesome, sweaty workout... afterwards I FINALLY got to sit down and talk with the owner Neil.  He is a smart guy.  Really knows his stuff.  I have been anxious to sit down with him for a while, and here is why.

I first started competing in March of 2009.  I was TERRIFIED, and when I met my trainer and was told I would have to put on some weight I was even more terrified.  But, I did it.  I placed 5th in my very first show.

 March 2009 NPC debut 5th place

Competing was WAY out of my comfort zone... to get on a stage in a teeny bikini is not something I ever thought I would be able to do.  I don't even like getting in one for water parks or the beach, but to be acknowledged for my hard work made it quite a high for me.  I was hooked.  I did another show that year in June, barely missed placing (got 6th) and I just kept going doing a show almost every few months.  

June 2009 NPC 6th place

August 2009 NPC 5th place

October 2009 NPC 2nd place

On my one year anniversary I FINALLY got what I had been longing for.  My 1st place and overall win!

March 2010 NPC 1st place, overall champion

 My overall sword!

1st place girls in each height division

July 2010, NPC 3rd place, with my trainer Masae

I went on to compete in a National Competition in Las Vegas.  Boy was I out of my league.  First of all you have to qualify just to be there by placing top 2 in a qualifying show.  That means you are up against the best of the best and holy heck they were amazing.  It wasn't even close.  Ha ha!  These ladies were incredible and it was an honor to be on stage with all 50 something of them!

July 2010 (USA's) in Las Vegas 40 something place

We moved to Utah, and after my experience in Figure I decided that it was time I either commit to putting on more size or switch to Bikini.  Putting on more size wasn't even an option for me.  The thought of it made me want to cry so I decided to focus on Bikini.  I did the NGA show in Utah.

September 2011, NGA 3rd place

Two weeks later I went back to the NPC...

October 2011, NPC 2nd place

 I continued competing only to find that the more shows I did, the harder it got to get the results I wanted/needed.  Though I did well at each show, placing top 5 in all but 2, my body seemed to stop doing what I needed it to and I had to get a little more drastic with my diet/cardio each show.  I did a total of 9 shows in 3 years (taking one year off completely).  I get really emotional when I talk or even think about this topic.  I feel like I am stuck in this awful place.  A place that I know MANY competitors end up in.  I absolutely LOVE competing.  I love everything about it.  I love the dedication, the goal, the push, the achievement, I even have grown to love the smell of Pro tan.  I get butterflies just from smelling it.  I love it, but I am more than willing to walk away from it all if that is what it takes to get back to "normal", to be healthy in my mind and body.

I am at this point where it honestly doesn't matter what I do or how I eat my body will not let go of anything.  I am really having a hard time losing any weight, my body seems to be holding on to it all and I am tired of working my butt off not to be working my butt off.  It is the most frustrating thing in the world.  There are times I just want to give up, and there are times I get a glimmer of hope.  Today was one of those times.  Neil gave me hope!  I am anxious to get started and see if I can fix the damage that I have done and eventually.. get back on stage without all the drastic measures.  For now, I just need to get things working the way they are supposed to again.  I leave you with some videos my husband and sister recorded when I won my first place and overall win.  It still brings tears to my eyes.

This is my "model walk"

Here is a video when I won first in my class

Here are all the 1st place girls, being compared for the overall win! Best day ever.

I hope I can experience that feeling again someday!

Two's

Hey guys!  I've been laying pretty low since the last time I posted.  Got a nasty awful cold or something that literally knocked me on my butt for a while but I am beginning to feel better!  I went to GPPfitness this morning for this sprint workout.  Oh. My. Gosh.  Okay so normally sprints don't kill me quite as bad as they did today but my chest felt sooooo heavy.  I had a hard time breathing and literally felt like I was going to puke.  I am sure that had more to do with the fact that I am still "getting better" and less to do with the sprints themselves because I almost hacked up a lung on the drive home.  My throat has been sore from the hacking all day, and my head... oh my head... the headaches I have been getting lately are UNREAL.  I actually went to a doctor a couple of weeks ago about the headaches.  I have been getting 1-2 migraines a week for a couple of months now, and almost daily headaches on top of that.  I basically just wanted to make sure that it wasn't anything serious, thank goodness all seems to be well.  I wasn't going seeking for meds, in fact I told him straight up that I didn't want pain pills.  I have seen pills do more harm than good to too many family members and I honestly hesitate to take anything but Motrin for anything.  Instead he prescribed me to take 10 mg of melatonin a night.  He said that in studies that were done it decreased headaches and migraines by quite a large margin (I want to say 60% or something).  So... that is what I am doing, when I remember to take it anyways. I haven't noticed a change yet but I have not been consistent with it.  If only I could remember to take that as well as I take my birth control.  Priorities ;)

I had a great weekend though despite the fact that I am single momming it AGAIN while my husband is working out of town. A weekend full of TWO'S!!!!!  Brunch with two of my favorite girls Amanda and Janetha on Saturday (along with two pretty darn cute kids), and then us girls were off to get pedicures.  So nice.  My daughter has been begging to go.  She loves pedi's.  I think she is darn spoiled.  Also included in my weekend... two BBQ's (one Saturday, and one Sunday) with two of my sisters, a visit with my two newest TWIN Great nieces Hadlee and Riley, and finally a surprise visit from two of my favorite people Grandma and Grandpa all the way from California!  Honestly weekends can't get any better than this!

This is Hadlee in deep thought... I am pretty sure she is wondering how she got lucky enough to have a Great Aunt as cool as me ;)

Hope you all had a great weekend, and that your week is off to a great start!  I don't know about you but I am already counting down the days until the weekend.  My hubby will be home at last and its a 3 day weekend to boot!  Oh heck yes!

Just a thought!!!!!

The BIG day

Friday, May 4th 10:00 am

I had to go pick up ice cream for the reception.  A quick 30 minute errand.  Or so I thought.  I decided that I better stop and pick up a white bra.  Since I don't own one.  Gateway mall was on the way so I decided to just make a quick stop.  Just before I got there my car overheated.  I pulled into the parking garage, and called my husband who then had to call the shop and figure out how we were going to get the car to the shop, pick up the ice cream, and get home and ready for our big day.  Not fun.  What should have taken me 30 minutes, took me over 2 hours.  By the time I got home I had already cried a few stressed out tears.  I got home about 12:15, threw hot curlers in Pajha's hair, touched up my makeup and waited for my niece to arrive to do my hair.

2:15 pm

We arrived at the Temple, got all checked in, took the kids where they were supposed to go and started getting ready for the sealing which was at 3:15.  I felt... nervous???  I had serious butterflies going on.  When it was time we were taken into a room filled with family, friends and loved ones.  It was AMAZING to see so many familiar, faces.  Some I hadn't seen in YEARS even. I made a pact with myself that I was not going to cry.  There is nothing about me crying that is pretty.  I did pretty good too, I was amazing that I somehow kept my "cool" even when the kids were brought into us.  Although that could have been because I have a comedian for a daughter who lightens the mood and has everyone laughing in any situation.  This day was no different.  She is a riot.  My friend told her "You look so beautiful!" and her response was "yeah, I get that a lot".  sigh.  What managed to break me?  Grandma.  I blame her for getting me started.  Something she said to me just got the tears started and then the next person I got to hug was my Uncle Jim who I haven't seen in I don't even know how long.  Then the ugly cry came (sorry Uncle Jim!!!).

4:30 pm

I got in my wedding dress, and somehow managed to be ready before my husband (????).  After standing in the hallway waiting for a bit for him to come out I decided to go check on the kids and see if they were ready to go outside for pictures, I mean honestly... I was expecting this grand entrance.  My husband standing there seeing me for the first time in my dress....  smiling, eye contact, a big smooch... it didn't quite happen that way, ha ha!  Once we were all ready, we held hands and walked outside the Temple to our families and friends who were waiting for us.  The photographer was snapping photos... my daughters response was "oh wow, paparazzi".... honestly, I don't know where this child came from.  My friend Amy and her husband Brandon took our photos that day.  I have to say, they turned out absolutely gorgeous!  I loved them all.  We got quite a few taken at the Temple (thankfully it was a beautiful warm day) and headed over to the church at around 5:30 to eat and get set up for the reception.

Here we are coming out of the Temple....

My side of the family that was at the Temple

My pretty girl

 Everyone that came, both families... this was our silly pose!

 BJay and his mom

My precious Angels

 Handsome little man!

Bjay's parents

BJay's family that came to the Temple

Me and one of my dearest friends from high school.  I haven't seen her in too long

Love you Tam!

Me and my bestie, Teresa... don't know what I'd do without her!

 Pajha and my daddy!

7:00 pm

People were arriving, and honestly it could not have gone more smoothly or perfectly.  It was so nice to have the support from family and friends, though a lot of my family didn't show, we had a really great turnout.  The kids disappeared with their cousins the majority of the night.  I later learned that my daughter was outside directing people into the church.  She told them where the bathrooms were, and welcomed them to the "Resurrection".  Ha ha.  She kills me.  At one point I almost had myself talked out of doing a reception.  I figured people would think I was stupid or it was just too much work but now that we did it I am SO glad we did.  We never got that first experience.  We never got to cut cake and shove it in each others faces.  We never got the support from everyone and honestly this meant the world to me.  I FINALLY got my wedding ;)

Amy and I

Cutting the cake.......

Grandma & Grandpa Waite

My friend Amanda & I