Tuesday, October 5, 2010

If I never.....

I am really struggling lately... struggling with a few different things but mostly I just want my old body back. In a very bad way. So bad that it almost literally HURTS. These are things that run through my mind DAILY.... if I never started competing, I never would have had to put on that extra weight. If I had never started competing I might still be my teeny tiny 110 pound self. If I never started competing I would have never gotten such a deep CRAZY complex about my body. If I never started competing I would NOT be so dang critical of myself ALL THE FREAKING TIME. If I never started competing I wouldn't be so miserable.

How stupid does that sound? It sounds even more stupid now that I wrote it down and could actually LOOK at it and read it out loud. S-T-U-P-I-D!

What I need to start doing is looking at the good things that came out of it. If I never started competing I would not have met so many AMAZING women. If I never started competing I would always wonder "what if". If I never started competing I would not know how good it feels to achieve goals. If I never started competing I would have never known how far I COULD go.

The fact is, it has brought the most joy and the most pain in my life. Joy that can not be replaced. A different kind of joy than what I get from my husband and my children. A feeling of accomplishment, an "I DID IT" kind of feeling. But the emotional and mental aspect of it sometimes overwhelms me and sometimes I think I just need to get it out so I can see how stupid it is and move on. So there you have it. Its out of the bag. Time to move on... to set some new goals... to love, live and enjoy every day being the best me I can be.


  1. great post girl! i think so many wmen who have competed can relate,including myself!!!just hang in there and keep focusng on the positives!!!

  2. I know its so easy to be so critical on ourselves, but I KNOW you are still looking amazing. I'm positive you could not have done much damage unless you were eating like 5000 calories for a month,and we both know that isn't going on :) Hang in there!!

  3. Those thoughts sound so familiar ... I think they're more common than most ladies let on. Yes, our bodies would look different if we'd never competed ... but, we wouldn't know what we could accomplish and that it's possible to transform yourself. You have the power and the knowledge to change your body. Remember that you're not powerless; you can do anything you make up your mind to do. Hang in there!!

  4. Hi sweets! I think it is totally, 100% OK to let out all those feelings. They are real and valid definitely worth taking a closer look. I feel like I don't have as much advice since I haven't yet experienced the ON vs. OFF season weight issue, but I'm going to go out on a limb and side with April above that you probably still look AMAZING! You've shared with us that your diet is clean (with a few treats here and there, but that is LIVING:) and that you are active.

    Have you thought about why 110lbs is such a benchmark for you? Has it been that long since you've been that weight? Were you really happy and was that weight easy to maintain without strenuous or strict diet/exercise? Also, I bet you've got a lot more BEAUTIFUL muscle, which we all know weighs more. Maybe you will look and feel as good, but just a higher # on the scale because of lean mass. You are still teeny tiny with lean muscle mass, missy:) Think of Jamie Eason who is also teeny tiny, yet all muscle and great definition:)

    One thing I CAN relate to you about is that sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that the experience brought to you that only YOU could give yourself- not husband, kids, friends, etc. I think you are AMAZING and proof that hard work and determination pay off. Look how much you've accomplished!

  5. Oh boy... sorry I am such a Debbie DOWNER lately... just have to break through this "FUNK". To answer a few questions... 110 pounds was when I felt I looked my best for my body. I didn't have to work nearly as hard. I didn't watch what I ate... I pretty much ate what I wanted when I wanted and worked out for fun. That was only 2 years ago... and I maintained it EASILY for almost 5 years. Until I started competing... then my body completely changed. It looks fine show week but let me tell you I have never had more dimples and lumps in MY LIFE as I do now. CRAZY... the harder I work the worse it seems to get. I am just not happy with my size at all. I miss my clothes fitting right...

    I know it is not a realistic goal... at least not right now... but I will get to where I feel comfortable again. I would be fine with 115! :)

  6. Hey there! I hope you're starting to feel better. The mind is where everything starts. I know for myself I have to be disciplined to not let the thoughts stay when they happen. It is so easy and normal to get down on yourself because of your body, but your body is not YOU! You are amazing, so don't forget that. =)
    Hope this week is better for you!!